Aging

There are few things that remind me that I am not the kid I always thought I was. Firstly, it was my last birthday which was the 58th birthday I've had. My father passed away at 59 and his father before him at 58 so my mortality has been on my mind for a while. Secondly, my children are 23 and 19 and are well on their way to being full fledged adults. My daughter has been out of school for almost two years and is working in a job she loves in her field of study (theater arts) and my son is almost halfway through his college career and playing baseball for his college team which he loves. They leave for spring training in Arizona tomorrow and I wish I was going...but I digress. The third reminder of my aging is the pain I feel in my lower back. Being way too sedentary and at least 20 pounds too heavy, my poor posture and way too many hours on the couch contribute to some serious back pain that has driven me to seek chiropractic help. One session so far and I can see many more in my future.

I have always joked that my youthful appearance is due to the fact that I refuse to grow up. Unfortunately, there's was a bitter truth to that and in the last two and a half years I have struggled to let go of my adolescent emotional leanings and had to face some hard truths about who i was and who I wanted to be (and how I wanted to treat others). It's a path I do not regret taking and I am a better person for it. It has led me through some very painful and difficult times (divorce) which caused my relationship with my children great pain and discomfort, but I believe I have emerged from the worst of it. Things are better with them and I am a happier, more congruent individual for it all.

So...I am growing up and aging...and feeling my age as never before. I am learning to appreciate what I have and not let the unimportant make me crazy. It's been a tradeoff I am willing to make...and every day is a gift that I am grateful for...even if my back is killing me.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes....

I have been giving some thought lately to my current life situation. Being recently divorced (December) after 29 years of marriage and after moving out at the end of September, much of my daily experience has been different for me than it has been for many years. My assignment at work has changed dramatically as the school district has changed the delivery of special education evaluation services and I find myself in a single location after a career of being able to come and go as I please. Thank goodness it's in a building where the principal is a smart, reasonable, and at time very funny man who has the interests of the children paramount in everything that happens here. It is a population that I have not spent a great deal of time with, and it provides me with a learning experience that feels revitalizing for my career. I was discouraged and ready to hang it up this time last year.

I live in the city now, after living in the suburbs since 1979, in a house that belongs to someone else and has been established for many years. I am the outsider moving in and have had to be mindful about my impact with the others. It's only now beginning to feel like home to me, but I think that's more a sense of familiarity more than anything else. Don't get me wrong, I feel accepted and welcome but it's just not mine. Sure, I have placed some of my "stuff" around but it'll still be some time before I feel like I'm home.

I have always known that the only constant in life is change. It took me a few years to get up the courage to face the difficulties in my marriage (and the reasons I was the way I was). It took two years of therapy while I was putting my children through a very difficult time for which I still feel awful about. I think often about what I need to do to help repair some of the damage I inflicted. (The guilt surfaces...) I believe I am doing so, and it makes me feel good about all the changes I have been through. I needed to take this journey to begin to grow again, and I can honestly say to myself that I have taken the right path. The journey never ends.

First Foray

It's not something I have thought about too much, but in my attempt to read someone's blog I found myself signing up to create my own. So...here I am with a forum to write about what comes to mind without the time now to put it to use. I will, from time to time, discuss my current outlook on life, politics, cigars, traditional wetshaving, movies or whatever may come to mind. I hope to be interesting for anyone who may run across this in their travel across the internet. Feel free to leave comments as you see fit; I'll try to take them in the spirit in which they may be given. Thanks for reading.